Recently, I spoke with my sister from another mister.  We have the most random conversations, however this one in particular had an exact direction to it.  We were speaking on relationships as a whole, when she stated a very intriguing thought:
"People always tell you how to create boundaries at the beginning of a friendship/relationship, but no on addresses how you set boundaries after you've crossed a line."  

In the words of my father, "well fan me with a brick!"  She was so right!  So what happens when you're getting to know someone and they cross a boundary you didn't even know you had?  Or vice versa?  I've thought about this since we've talked and while I don't claim to have an end all be all list, here are a few things you can do to set up a boundary after a line has been crossed. For my examples, I'll be using either my love for cotton candy or person A as an example!  (Don't judge me or the cotton candy!  And person A is no one in particular, so climb out of your feelings tree if something hits you.) 

First, you have to identify an issue to place a boundary around it.  A boundary, typically, is used to protect yourself, someone else, or a thing from hurt, harm, and danger.  If you can't tell me what you are protecting, how is setting a boundary going to work?  That would be the equivalent of me chaining my refrigerator shut while storing the cotton candy in the pantry.   An ill placed boundary does neither of you any good.

Second, if you are setting a boundary with Person A in mind, sit down and talk to A about what happened to cause this decision to come about, and what they can do to help you feel more comfortable.  You also need to explain the decision in a non-attacking manner.  The last thing you want to do is make someone else responsible for your convictions.  Be open and honest about who you are and the issue at hand. 

Third, if you know you are going to be temped to cross the boundary after you set it, FIND AND ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER who can act as a man (or woman) on the wall.  What's a man on the wall, you ask?  If you've ever seen the perimeter of a prison, you will always see one armed guard on the wall.  They are the last line of defense for someone trying to escape the prison walls.  Because of their objective view they can see everything and make a solid decision on what's the best course of action for those living on both sides of the wall.  FIND YOU A PERSON ON THE WALL!  They'll help you tremendously, if you let them! 

Fourth, stop putting yourself in situations which will cause you to fall over the boundaries you've set.  The reality is if you are drawn to whatever you are placing a boundary around, its easier for you to revert back to it out of pure comfort.  So why on EARTH would you put yourself in a position to make a decision to fight it.  You never win those battles, if you're honest with yourself.

Finally, be careful of the conversations you have, the things you are placing in your hearing, and the things you watch.  When you rehearse things in your speech, sight, and hearing they become actions and desires.  Let's take cotton candy again.  If I keep talking about it, see commercials or other people with it, the taste for it begins to formulate from memories of when I've had it previously.  Why?  Because I'm thinking and talking about it and my thoughts/words become actions and desires.  

Again, I know I've only brushed the surface of the reality of setting late boundaries, but let me hear from you.  What have you done to create boundaries after a situation has occurred?  Was your boundary successful in helping you avoid the situation occurring again?  Let me hear from you? And your friends, and your friends' friends!    

Have you ever had the feeling you are supposed to be doing more than your current situation dictates?  What's the first feeling after that question is posed in your overly imaginative brain?  

Well for me, it's fear.  Fear of the new possibilities and the unknown.  Fear of not being able to predict my action's success.  Many times we sit on perfectly effective gifts because we fear how they will be received.  We can be handed freedom in the most beautiful packaging and shy away from it because of our own insecurities.  

Recently, I decided to move forward on an idea near and dear to my heart.  However, before I was able to do so, I had dinner with a small group of my friends.  We take time out to come together every so often to catch up and encourage one another to keep moving forward.  During the course of the evening, I was reminded of one simple, yet HEAVY thing....

"Students [people] are waiting on you to do what's in your heart.  What's in your heart will in turn help them do what's in their heart!  They need you."

I HAD NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT IN THAT MANNER!  Seriously, I had done what many people do.  I was so wrapped in how I would look, how it would effect me if it wasn't a success, and I forgot the simple fact that God sends us to people when they need us most, with what they need most.  He has given us the freedom to go out and touch peoples live, while also allowing them to change our lives.  So what happened?  How did we get to this selfish mindset?  And how do we get back  to the focus? 

The freedom we have been gifted has conformed  into a prison of sorts, which is FARRRRR from it's purpose.  As a society, we focus on what makes us as an individual happy versus the joy, happiness, and peace of our neighbors.  So how to do we shut this selfish mindset down?

1) OPEN YOUR EYES and really look at the people around you.  Don't just brush past others, but really take the time to talk and check in on people.  It never fails that someone around you could use an encouraging word, a hug, or just someone to talk to.  One phone call can truly be the difference between life and death. 

2) Use your gift....and do so effectively!  Don't be concerned about how your actions will be received.  Do what you are supposed to do with a pure and humble heart and let the chips fall where they may.  Your responsibility is to give, not to manage how others receive what you give. 

3) FINALLY, be HAPPY!  With all you do, make sure it is accompanied with joy and happiness!  You are serving others!  In turn know as you give, all that you have given will be given unto you.  No seriously, it's scripture! 
Luke 6:37-38 states:

  37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”


IT'S BIBLE, and God doesn't lie.  It will be placed "into your lap", which means you'll never have to look for it.  It will find you!  With that in mind, make sure you are giving love, joy, peace, happiness, and an abundance of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding.  Help others realize while they may first fear the opportunity freedom presents, freedom is not another sort of prison.  It is an opportunity to learn, grow, and assist others out of their particular prison.  REMEMBER and REMIND OTHERS OFTEN, there is NO FEAR in FREEDOM! 

*You know I love hearing from you, so how are you walking in your freedom through fear?  How have you helped others through bouts of fear as they embrace their freedom?  

As I entered into a full room of silent people, I turned to a specific person and ask "How would you like this to look?"  

SILENCE. THE LOUDEST SILENCE.

 I'm talking so much silence that those around us began to ask if the person heard me.  I responded that they had and chose not to answer me.  How do you  know they heard you, you may ask?  I've been able to read peoples non-verbals since  forever.  As a first born child, I learned that sometimes people tell you all you need to know with a small flinch of their face or a shift of the eyes.  

     Now, what I find interesting is how intensely angry I now become at being ignored, especially when I am trying to help a person be their best.  I had to take a step back and truly think about why this persons choice to selectively hear me made me so angry.  As I sat in silence I realized even I had this problem as a teen and into my 20s.  When I was done dealing with a difficult person, I just shut down.  My silence was my way of letting you know when I had reached the end of my rope.  What I found in my late 20s and now in my early 30s is selective communication is not only rude, but a dangerous slope to climb down.    People will only deal with blatant disrespect of that measure for a limited amount of time.  I've lost a great love, and a few friends from my choice to pick and chose when I would allow effective communications to occur.  At some point,  people realize or begin to  feel you are only communicative when you need or want something (whether that is the case or not).  
    So, how do you irradiate selective communication in your life?  I'm so glad you asked! 

1) Open your mouth and speak your truth in love.  We don't have to agree, but you do need to honestly speak and allow others to speak their minds.  Knowledge comes in all ages, colors, genders, and stages so keep an open mind.  Someone else's experiences may be your salvation from a poor decision.  Give someone, that just might have knowledge you didn't know about, a chance. 


2)Be willing to have a conversation!  Please keep in mind that a conversation consist of two people who are willing to fulfill the roles of speaker, listener, while delivering and receiving a message.  Not only do you need the ability to speak, but also to listen!  If you find yourself consistently cutting a person off in a conversation, then you are not listening.  You are formulating your response before hearing all your partner in conversation has to say.  Your opinion is that, an opinion.  You are entitled to it, but think about the point another person is making.  Do NOT by any means silence or cut a person off because you don't agree.  Understanding can not occur if communication is not occurring and effective.  


3) Understand that people don't always agree!  I mean really, that would be boring if we all thought the same!  The point of a conversation with open communication is to grow!  You may not like what a person has to say, but I bet you'll come out of the conversation with new thoughts! 


     Listen, if you choose to stay in the same place as others grow, more power to you!  But if, as I suspect, you want to continue to grow and learn more about the world/people around you, shut that selective communicating down. Growth, empowerment, and great work come from open, honest, and effective communication.  What are a few ways in which you're communication has been or is selective?  How can you make it better? 

So I've talked at length about a recent mission trip to New York to my family and friends, and I know they are probably BEYOND tired of hearing me.  However, there are so many lessons that I continue to run through my mind, so I decide to share them as they come to me. 

    One such event happened on a subway car on the way back into the city for dinner.  We were all grouped together in a subway car talking quietly (by Texas standards anyway) amongst ourselves, which was a MAJOR change of pace.  During other trips we were all so excited that conversations were loud and a bit rambunctious.  Now for anyone who knows me, I'm a people watcher.  It's something amazing about seeing people interact in their natural environments.  The biggest difference I saw on the subway car was that we made it pretty clear that we were visitors.  Why, you ask?  Because NO ONE else was talking to the person next to them.  Even if they were together, there seemed to be an unspoken rule to be quiet. 

Anyways, during this one quiet trip on the subway, one of my kids was asked by a lady if we all were together.  She replied "Yes, we are here from Texas."  The lady then asked "for what purpose?"  My student replied, "We are on a mission trip".   That ONE STATEMENT created the best ministry moment I've ever seen.  The lady, noticeably intrigued, began to ask questions which of course lead back to Jesus.  That kid taught me the best lesson.  We have to be willing to talk, nothing more, nothing less.  One cordial conversation led to Jesus, and if that lady had never heard of Him before, she has now.

How many times have we avoided conversations, and even eye contact, because we didn't feel like talking or the person made us uncomfortable?  What moment did we miss to show grace and love in a manner which that person may have never seen or experienced it!  Slow down today and take in the moments which are seemingly insignificant to share love and grace and Jesus with someone.  Make sure you don't miss your moment.

You take the time to do something special for someone.  Let’s say you buy them a gift and take great care to wrap it.  You wait and wait and wait to give it to them at just the right moment, only to watch them unwrap the gift and be met with “is this it!?!”

Your heart sinks!  That is if you aren’t angry!  So if that’s your reaction to a gift formed especially from your heart, how does God feel when He gives us something He deems as small and we roll your eyes at it.  We must learn to be grateful for all His blessings, even if we don’t recognize them as blessings at the time!  Know that even things that come off as bad work for our good in the end because we love Him and are called according to His works.  What happened yesterday that you didn’t take moment out to tell God thank you for.  Once you recognize the gift, tell Him thank you!  It’s better late than never to have a heart flowing with gratefulness! 

As I sat on the couch, I found myself, after a long fight to maintain a relationship, physically and mentally exhausted and perplexed.  I did all that I could think to do, and it still never seemed to measure up to the minimum of enough.  I was hurt in places that I didn't even know that my heart could feel.  Not only was my friendship destroyed, but my sense of safety was obliterated.  I, seemingly, had nowhere to go. 

This is the person that I revealed my scars to.  The one that I told my secrets to, only to be betrayed.  How many times have you opened yourself up to someone, only to realize you should not have trusted them as you had?  As I read a devotional on Ruth this morning I realized something.  Had I been obedient to the instructions of the Lord, I would have been shown so much, seen it earlier, and avoided some of the pain.  Instead, I held on for fear of losing my not so safe safety.  The truth is, I became comfortable, even though I knew quickly that it was an unhealthy relationship.  I chose to hold on despite what I knew the truth to be. 

As I read the story of Ruth, I realized that all of the women in the story showed the greatest feats of courage.  After losing her sons and husband, Naomi took the final step.  She approached her daughters- in- law and told them to leave her and go back to their families after she prayed a blessing over them.  Naomi gave her daughters the option to leave her and travel back to their families as she traveled alone. 

Now Orpah decided this journey was not for her, so she kissed her mother-in-law on the cheek and journeyed back to her family.  How difficult this had to be?  Many times we look at Orpah as the one who abandoned Naomi, but what if she truly knew that the journey Ruth and Naomi were preparing to take was not for her.  I wonder how the story would have changed or evolved had she joined them in spite of being aware that she shouldn't travel with them.  And in the end we know the story of Ruth, and how things ended in grand fashion for her.  

Naomi asked one question that shaped the course of events for both young ladies.  She could have been selfish and demanded that they come with her, but the reality is that she showed herself to be an example of God’s love to us.  He would never force us to journey with Him, but He is always willing to walk with you through the journey if you so choose. 

How would my situation have ended had I truly been honest and given the option of journeying with me versus having that person stay under false pretenses?  In the end, know that most times it is better to allow someone the option to decide if they want to journey with you or not.  Be honest about who you are and your feelings, and if they chose to stay, you know you have a confidant.  If not, thank the person for their role in your journey thus far, give them a parting kiss, and move on with your life happy to have learned a lesson or two from them. 

Recently I had the marvelous opportunity to embark upon a mission trip in New York.  During the trip we had the chance to partner with The Legacy Center of New York (http://tlcnyc.org/).  This group is inspiring change in a way that I have never seen before.  As Pastor Chris Durso said to us "ministry begins with hello"  and boy is that where they started.  After eating lunch, our group of 21 students and adult volunteers slipped into an unassuming office.  I had no clue that my life would be changed just by walking though those doors, and even more after working in Breezy Point.  We walk in and learned more about one of two wonderful ladies; Diana.  Diana stood before us and began telling us the journey she took to The Legacy Center.  After coming to The Legacy Center from corporate America she faced a dilemma that many of us face in our jobs daily.  Because the organizations funding source, she could not go into the communities they are helping to restore and spread the gospel! I've faced that very issue in secular and "religious" organizations.  When she asked God how she was going to share Him in a setting that was not permitted to bring Him up first under the funding they have, she said God directed her to the story of Zacchaeus.  Now for anyone that's grown up in church you know the song, "Zacchaeus was a wee little man..." :)  (Stop singing and get back to reading...LOL).
    Zacchaeus was a man that was short in stature and great in power.  He was a wealthy tax collector, which probably means he was great at his job.  That also means people were probably not big fans of his.  Anyways, Zacchaeus was intrigued by this guy named Jesus, so he did the strangest thing.  He CLIMBED A TREE TO SEE JESUS! (Seriously, read it!  Luke 19!)  Zacchaeus didn't want Jesus to do anything, he just wanted to get a glimpse of the man EVERYONE was talking about.  From that one action Zacchaeus drew the interest of Jesus.  In the end Jesus asked to visit Zacchaeus' home to stay for a bit, while others mocked Jesus for visiting the house of the "sinner". 
    Diana said after reading this story her question to God was "OK, what am I supposed to take from that?"  His reply was both simple and life changing....."BE THE TREE".  Let me tell you, that simple revelation BLEW MY MIND TO PIECES!  I tweeted it, call my parents, friends, and anyone else that would listen with it!  BE THE TREE!   All of a sudden the following scripture became so clear to me:  "And I, if I (Jesus) be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me." (John 12:32).  God simply asks us to live a life that lifts him up, not just in word, but in action.  Are your day to day actions ones that are lifting Jesus into plain view?  Are you serving Him in a matter that makes someone want to climb a tree to get a glimpse of what you know?  If you would take this simple action and be the tree that acts as a bridge to Christ how many people around you would come to know Him as their savior, confidant, provider, and friend?  Take a minute to think:  Have you been a tree?  That fixed object that people can use as a bridge to Christ?  If so, how?

Take a minute to leave a comment below.  Who knows, your comment may be the bridge moment someone needs to become a tree for another person.  I know Diana was the tree for me, so I feel compelled to be that for others daily....just BE THE TREE (planted by the water)! 

Growing up in church I was taught that “you should be the Proverbs 31 woman”.  This woman is touted as the “perfect help meet”. During my formative years women of the church neglected to tell me that this chapter is knowledge passed down from a mother to her son as a guideline.  For years I’ve been hung up on Proverbs 31, especially the 10th verse.  It reads:

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?  She is more precious than rubies.” (NLT) Or for those of you that love the KJV:
“10Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.”
      Now the definition of precious is “of great value or high price; highly esteemed or cherished.”  As I read over this chapter time and time again I wondered how one person could ever live up to the example she set.  I mean this woman was a BEAST!  Her business was in order at home as well as out in the community.  Each time I read this chapter I became frustrated with the prospect of not measuring up.  However tonight after reading that one verse the following question popped into my mind:  What is the value of a ruby?  I mean I need to know what the floor is so that I can understand how her value is far above that of a ruby.  So I set out to do some research.

     A ruby is a precious gemstone that ranges in color from pink to “blood red”.  It is held as one of four precious stones.  It is second to only the diamond.  The ruby is ranked nine out of ten on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, which measures the scratch resistance of the gem (or minerals in the gem).  The diamond, again, is the only gem higher on the scale.  The thing that I found interesting is that a natural ruby will have imperfections.  These imperfections are used by gemologist to ensure that a ruby is naturally and not synthetically created.  Some gemologists call these imperfections the gems “fingerprint”.  Natural rubies may also contain needle inclusions called rutiles that give the stone a silk effect when under a light.  Again it’s just another “fingerprint”.  So the gem that the bible offers as the comparison has flaws!?!  A couple of things became apparent to me.


      1) The woman, as she is presented in Proverbs 31, has lived life.  She has grown up, possibly making mistakes, learning from them, and building on the foundation of her youth.  She has married and had children.  She has gone through the process of life finding out what works for her and what doesn’t.  She has learned to be trustworthy, responsible, and loyal.  She has also realized at least a portion of the treasures that were placed in her by God.  This woman was walking with purpose, not only for herself, but for her family!  She had crafted a balance in her life.  Finally it makes sense.  The reason that this has been so frustrating all these years is because no one has every explained that the woman presented in Proverbs 31 is a product of her experiences and learning opportunities!  You don’t wake up one morning with the ability to enrich your husbands life, spin your own material, take care of the families needs (both physical and emotional),  and run a business.  You do not gain wisdom and dignity over night.  It takes time.  Just as you can’t wake up one morning quoting scriptures that you have never read.  You have to study the word of God continuously because it is a living, breathing work that continues to be relevant in every life situation.

      I’ve started to notice over the last few months that the way I do things is beginning to change.  I’ve stopped being EXTRA selfish in my thinking (yes I was selfish :o) ) and started to think about people that are coming into my life that might not be here just yet.  The only way that I can be prepared for my husband and my family when they arrive is to begin the preparation, the process, now.  I have to learn to balance my career, education, health, and home now so that when my family arrives I am aware of the ins and outs of balance.

     2) I think we as women of God sometimes have a twisted thought process.  We spend so much time trying to explain to people our value; or in some cases we spend too much time trying to promote ourselves to force everyone to see how valuable we are.  Your value is in your experiences.  So many times we think that only the people that have never gone through a thing are valuable in the kingdom.  You can’t participate if you are coming out of a situation that is less than “holy” or “pure” (whatever that means)!  My value has grown with each mistake and experience.  I will be able to talk to my children open and honestly about the pitfalls of life because I have been there and God showed me love, grace, and mercy.  In spite of all of my unnecessary foolishness, he continues to bless me with his grace and pull out the treasures he stored in me.  In the end, we as women have to be who Christ has called us to be.  Our goal should not be to become the Proverbs 31 woman, but to possess the characteristics that she has honed throughout her life experiences.
     So now I get it!  I can flow with the process of preparation knowing that my goal should be to walk out every treasure God placed in me and to be an example to those who come after me.  Through the process of life the characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman will be shaped, molded, and defined in us.    So, the question is… will you be above the value of a precious (of great value or high price; highly esteemed or cherished)  ruby,  or just the rubbish you see in the world.  Let’s stop trying to be the Proverbs 31 woman and be the BEST that God created us to be; holding those characteristics displayed in the Proverbs 31 woman.