Recently, I spoke with my sister from another mister. We have the most random conversations, however this one in particular had an exact direction to it. We were speaking on relationships as a whole, when she stated a very intriguing thought:
"People always tell you how to create boundaries at the beginning of a friendship/relationship, but no on addresses how you set boundaries after you've crossed a line."
In the words of my father, "well fan me with a brick!" She was so right! So what happens when you're getting to know someone and they cross a boundary you didn't even know you had? Or vice versa? I've thought about this since we've talked and while I don't claim to have an end all be all list, here are a few things you can do to set up a boundary after a line has been crossed. For my examples, I'll be using either my love for cotton candy or person A as an example! (Don't judge me or the cotton candy! And person A is no one in particular, so climb out of your feelings tree if something hits you.)
First, you have to identify an issue to place a boundary around it. A boundary, typically, is used to protect yourself, someone else, or a thing from hurt, harm, and danger. If you can't tell me what you are protecting, how is setting a boundary going to work? That would be the equivalent of me chaining my refrigerator shut while storing the cotton candy in the pantry. An ill placed boundary does neither of you any good.
Second, if you are setting a boundary with Person A in mind, sit down and talk to A about what happened to cause this decision to come about, and what they can do to help you feel more comfortable. You also need to explain the decision in a non-attacking manner. The last thing you want to do is make someone else responsible for your convictions. Be open and honest about who you are and the issue at hand.
Third, if you know you are going to be temped to cross the boundary after you set it, FIND AND ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER who can act as a man (or woman) on the wall. What's a man on the wall, you ask? If you've ever seen the perimeter of a prison, you will always see one armed guard on the wall. They are the last line of defense for someone trying to escape the prison walls. Because of their objective view they can see everything and make a solid decision on what's the best course of action for those living on both sides of the wall. FIND YOU A PERSON ON THE WALL! They'll help you tremendously, if you let them!
Fourth, stop putting yourself in situations which will cause you to fall over the boundaries you've set. The reality is if you are drawn to whatever you are placing a boundary around, its easier for you to revert back to it out of pure comfort. So why on EARTH would you put yourself in a position to make a decision to fight it. You never win those battles, if you're honest with yourself.
Finally, be careful of the conversations you have, the things you are placing in your hearing, and the things you watch. When you rehearse things in your speech, sight, and hearing they become actions and desires. Let's take cotton candy again. If I keep talking about it, see commercials or other people with it, the taste for it begins to formulate from memories of when I've had it previously. Why? Because I'm thinking and talking about it and my thoughts/words become actions and desires.
Again, I know I've only brushed the surface of the reality of setting late boundaries, but let me hear from you. What have you done to create boundaries after a situation has occurred? Was your boundary successful in helping you avoid the situation occurring again? Let me hear from you? And your friends, and your friends' friends!
"People always tell you how to create boundaries at the beginning of a friendship/relationship, but no on addresses how you set boundaries after you've crossed a line."
In the words of my father, "well fan me with a brick!" She was so right! So what happens when you're getting to know someone and they cross a boundary you didn't even know you had? Or vice versa? I've thought about this since we've talked and while I don't claim to have an end all be all list, here are a few things you can do to set up a boundary after a line has been crossed. For my examples, I'll be using either my love for cotton candy or person A as an example! (Don't judge me or the cotton candy! And person A is no one in particular, so climb out of your feelings tree if something hits you.)
First, you have to identify an issue to place a boundary around it. A boundary, typically, is used to protect yourself, someone else, or a thing from hurt, harm, and danger. If you can't tell me what you are protecting, how is setting a boundary going to work? That would be the equivalent of me chaining my refrigerator shut while storing the cotton candy in the pantry. An ill placed boundary does neither of you any good.
Second, if you are setting a boundary with Person A in mind, sit down and talk to A about what happened to cause this decision to come about, and what they can do to help you feel more comfortable. You also need to explain the decision in a non-attacking manner. The last thing you want to do is make someone else responsible for your convictions. Be open and honest about who you are and the issue at hand.
Third, if you know you are going to be temped to cross the boundary after you set it, FIND AND ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER who can act as a man (or woman) on the wall. What's a man on the wall, you ask? If you've ever seen the perimeter of a prison, you will always see one armed guard on the wall. They are the last line of defense for someone trying to escape the prison walls. Because of their objective view they can see everything and make a solid decision on what's the best course of action for those living on both sides of the wall. FIND YOU A PERSON ON THE WALL! They'll help you tremendously, if you let them!
Fourth, stop putting yourself in situations which will cause you to fall over the boundaries you've set. The reality is if you are drawn to whatever you are placing a boundary around, its easier for you to revert back to it out of pure comfort. So why on EARTH would you put yourself in a position to make a decision to fight it. You never win those battles, if you're honest with yourself.
Finally, be careful of the conversations you have, the things you are placing in your hearing, and the things you watch. When you rehearse things in your speech, sight, and hearing they become actions and desires. Let's take cotton candy again. If I keep talking about it, see commercials or other people with it, the taste for it begins to formulate from memories of when I've had it previously. Why? Because I'm thinking and talking about it and my thoughts/words become actions and desires.
Again, I know I've only brushed the surface of the reality of setting late boundaries, but let me hear from you. What have you done to create boundaries after a situation has occurred? Was your boundary successful in helping you avoid the situation occurring again? Let me hear from you? And your friends, and your friends' friends!
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