If nothing else this year, I am thankful that I learned the importance of saying “I love you” and being honest about how you feel. This could have been a destructive year. Things could have been worse, but I’m beyond grateful that it turned out to be a year of amazing lessons.
Learning to say “I love you” was a big one. After being released from my position last year, I decided to go home and hang with my family for a while. I hadn’t been back to The View (Longview) in a minute for any extended period of time. It gave me time to slow down, breathe, and re-evaluate a lot. While I was there, I got to spend two amazing days with my Grandfather. Now pawpaw is the initial spoiler in my life. I’m the baby girl on that side of the family and, short of burning a building down, I can get away with just about anything. I remember getting in trouble when I was little, and if Pawpaw was around, I could run to his lap and KNOW that I was protected from a punishment (if even only for my visit…my momma and dad forget NOTHING I tell you!
Anywhoo, a few years ago pawpaw began to deal with the signs and symptoms of Alzheimer’s. One of the hardest days for me is the first time I walked into the room and realized he had no clue who I was. He could remember everyone else, but just could not place me in the family. My heart was broken. I mean I am the most amazing grandchild after all…. if even in my own mind (KIDDING brudda and cousins!) LOL. So for months I grappled with whether I should go and see him. I did many times, even though it was a painful process. One day I stepped outside of myself, and I thought “if this is hurting me, how angry and frustrated does he have to be not to be able to remember this person that everyone is INSISTING that he knows.”
With that memory, years later, I walked into his room the first day. He was NOT happy. I don’t know what they did to him, but he was upset. I got him calmed down and he let me hug and kiss on him, which was huge! Now you have to know, one of my biggest, longest, hardest prayers is that God would let him be alert and aware of me if I was every there when he neared the end of his life. I prayed for this harder than anything EVER, and my friends joined me in this prayer request. In any case, the first day I just talked to him and he seemed to be alert and understand. I was ELATED! It had been years since I had spoken to him and he was there, like truly there with me! So the next day I went back and spent some time with him. My dad was in the room with me, as usual, and we realized we had to head out. As my dad walk towards the door, I sat on the bed, looked my grandfather in his eyes, grabbed his hands and said “Pawpaw, you know I love you!?!”
The next thing he did was something I will cherish forever. He said in the clearest I’ve heard him, again in years, “Well Sure!” Those two words stopped my dad in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes. I choked the tears down, as to not make him cry, kissed and hugged him, and left the room.
Little did I know it would be the last conversation I would have with one of my greatest earthly protectors (I have several…LOL). I loved him and still love him a year after his departure. It was two days after I had that last conversation that pawpaw went to hang with the love of his life….JESUS! (This man would stop you in Brookshire’s to tell you about JESUS in the middle of the aisle! Just blocking everybody!) My biggest lesson, you ask? Let those around you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you love them! Go after your dreams today, because none of us knows what tomorrow holds. And finally, there is nothing better than living a life without regret! Each thing you try brings a lesson, and lessons make you stronger and more aware. So the next time you get that feeling of “I need to call…..” call them! Don’t wait because your voice and your love may be the very thing they need at that moment!
Learning to say “I love you” was a big one. After being released from my position last year, I decided to go home and hang with my family for a while. I hadn’t been back to The View (Longview) in a minute for any extended period of time. It gave me time to slow down, breathe, and re-evaluate a lot. While I was there, I got to spend two amazing days with my Grandfather. Now pawpaw is the initial spoiler in my life. I’m the baby girl on that side of the family and, short of burning a building down, I can get away with just about anything. I remember getting in trouble when I was little, and if Pawpaw was around, I could run to his lap and KNOW that I was protected from a punishment (if even only for my visit…my momma and dad forget NOTHING I tell you!
Anywhoo, a few years ago pawpaw began to deal with the signs and symptoms of Alzheimer’s. One of the hardest days for me is the first time I walked into the room and realized he had no clue who I was. He could remember everyone else, but just could not place me in the family. My heart was broken. I mean I am the most amazing grandchild after all…. if even in my own mind (KIDDING brudda and cousins!) LOL. So for months I grappled with whether I should go and see him. I did many times, even though it was a painful process. One day I stepped outside of myself, and I thought “if this is hurting me, how angry and frustrated does he have to be not to be able to remember this person that everyone is INSISTING that he knows.”
With that memory, years later, I walked into his room the first day. He was NOT happy. I don’t know what they did to him, but he was upset. I got him calmed down and he let me hug and kiss on him, which was huge! Now you have to know, one of my biggest, longest, hardest prayers is that God would let him be alert and aware of me if I was every there when he neared the end of his life. I prayed for this harder than anything EVER, and my friends joined me in this prayer request. In any case, the first day I just talked to him and he seemed to be alert and understand. I was ELATED! It had been years since I had spoken to him and he was there, like truly there with me! So the next day I went back and spent some time with him. My dad was in the room with me, as usual, and we realized we had to head out. As my dad walk towards the door, I sat on the bed, looked my grandfather in his eyes, grabbed his hands and said “Pawpaw, you know I love you!?!”
The next thing he did was something I will cherish forever. He said in the clearest I’ve heard him, again in years, “Well Sure!” Those two words stopped my dad in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes. I choked the tears down, as to not make him cry, kissed and hugged him, and left the room.
Little did I know it would be the last conversation I would have with one of my greatest earthly protectors (I have several…LOL). I loved him and still love him a year after his departure. It was two days after I had that last conversation that pawpaw went to hang with the love of his life….JESUS! (This man would stop you in Brookshire’s to tell you about JESUS in the middle of the aisle! Just blocking everybody!) My biggest lesson, you ask? Let those around you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you love them! Go after your dreams today, because none of us knows what tomorrow holds. And finally, there is nothing better than living a life without regret! Each thing you try brings a lesson, and lessons make you stronger and more aware. So the next time you get that feeling of “I need to call…..” call them! Don’t wait because your voice and your love may be the very thing they need at that moment!
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