Yup! That's the topic. Oh don't get all squeamish now! LOL! It never fails, someone brings up sex around a group of single Christians and its like a cemetery...pure SILENCE!
I grew up in a time (I sound so elderly saying that) when we were told "don't have sex outside of marriage", which was a grand concept! The issue was, NO ONE TOLD ME WHAT TO DO WITH THE NATURAL FEELINGS I WOULD HAVE WHEN DATING A YOUNG MAN! Now I know you are so holy that you've never had feelings. You are happy with Jesus and Him alone, but outside of that alternate universe you've created in your head, the rest of us are in a battle!
I grew up in a time (I sound so elderly saying that) when we were told "don't have sex outside of marriage", which was a grand concept! The issue was, NO ONE TOLD ME WHAT TO DO WITH THE NATURAL FEELINGS I WOULD HAVE WHEN DATING A YOUNG MAN! Now I know you are so holy that you've never had feelings. You are happy with Jesus and Him alone, but outside of that alternate universe you've created in your head, the rest of us are in a battle!
Not only were we not given instructions, or warnings, about our feelings, I realized that a lot of the "save yourself" talks were happening with the girls and not so much with the boys.
How the heck does that even work!?! I mean, it does take two of us to make things happen, so how am I suppose to SINGLE HANDEDLY take on the responsibility of waiting.....no rush, I'll wait....
Alright, I'm back. In reality, our society has based a lot of its media, promotion, and status on physical appearance, sex, and wealth. So how do you maneuver through a single Christian lifestyle in a world that places significant value on sex prior to marriage. (And yes that has become a significant value. I have heard men and women state they REFUSE to marry someone until they know they are sexually compatible. But that's another blog altogether.) I don't claim to have all the answers, and I'm aware that things happen, children are had, and some are recommitting to a life of no sex before marriage. So with that knowledge, whether you've held it together forever OR you've made up in your mind that the next time you have sex, you will be married, here are some things I've found to be helpful:
1) Find a group of friends that will hold you accountable and that you can be honest with about your feelings. I have THE BEST group of friends (and some family members). I'm talking about a group of ladies that I can call when I'm getting ready to make a dumb decision in life. They will take the time to help me weigh the pros and cons, encourage me to do what's right, and tell me when I'm being completely stupid! No seriously, they are good for saying "that's dumb!" LOL! After I get out of my feelings, I'm typically very appreciative. The key to these relationships is that I am ALLOWED to be honest. They hear the good, bad, and foolish of my mind. I don't feel judged, but appreciated for being honest about what I'm struggling with (because believe it or not, we are all struggling with something). With that being said, realize in order to have true accountability you must be truthful, open, and honest about the things going on in your heart and mind.
2) Be careful and aware of the things (and people) you listen to as well as the things you watch. One MAJOR lesson I learned a few years ago was the thoughts you meditate on turn into action and words. For example: When Beyonce's "Grown Woman" dropped a while ago, I had it on repeat! Between the lyrics and the vibe of the track it changes the way that you walk, talk, and your posture. It's the empowerment I began to rehearse that "she's right, I AM a grown woman!" In that same vein, when you are watching shows, listening to music, and talking about nothing but sex, what exactly do you THINK is going to happen. What's in you will eventually come out.
3) Realize that sex can complicate things in even the best situation. Sex will not fix a broken relationship. As a single person, you hold the strongest hand EVER! You aren't married, so as the relationship progresses and you begin to see issues that you can't deal with you know to make the decision to leave or just be friends. HOWEVER, when you throw sex into the mix, you might have a second thought based on the attachment that has been made. The decision isn't impossible to make, but it is harder. Why put yourself in that position?
4) FOR PARENTS/ADULTS: STOP PUTTING AN EMPHASIS ON THE MESSAGE OF SAVING YOURSELF ONTO GIRLS ALONE! Since it takes two to have sex, two need to be addressed with not only the message of purity, but the talk of consequences and responsibilities of making the adult decision to consummate a relationship outside of marriage.
And finally:
5) Let's get real with each other. Stop walking around like sex is a death topic; if you talk about it, you turn into a pillar of salt! There are people trying to make it to Jesus, struggling with something like sex. And here you are, appearing to be too holy to have a conversation that might address the issue. But addressing it may help the person understand that they aren't alone in the struggle, while also giving them an outlet to be honest!!! GET REAL! It's 2014 and there are too many consequences to covering up a topic sex. It is beyond necessary that we talk about it. People are creating unhealthy attachments and contracting fatal diseases while we are sitting in our Sunday white, pretending like this issue doesn't need to be addressed.
The time has come for more open and honest conversation about the process of being single and working towards waiting for sex until marriage (whether you are a virgin or you are abstaining). Let me know your thoughts. If you've abstained completely, or decided that after having sex that you now want to abstain, how are you doing it? What are your views on being Christian, single, and sex?
1) Find a group of friends that will hold you accountable and that you can be honest with about your feelings. I have THE BEST group of friends (and some family members). I'm talking about a group of ladies that I can call when I'm getting ready to make a dumb decision in life. They will take the time to help me weigh the pros and cons, encourage me to do what's right, and tell me when I'm being completely stupid! No seriously, they are good for saying "that's dumb!" LOL! After I get out of my feelings, I'm typically very appreciative. The key to these relationships is that I am ALLOWED to be honest. They hear the good, bad, and foolish of my mind. I don't feel judged, but appreciated for being honest about what I'm struggling with (because believe it or not, we are all struggling with something). With that being said, realize in order to have true accountability you must be truthful, open, and honest about the things going on in your heart and mind.
2) Be careful and aware of the things (and people) you listen to as well as the things you watch. One MAJOR lesson I learned a few years ago was the thoughts you meditate on turn into action and words. For example: When Beyonce's "Grown Woman" dropped a while ago, I had it on repeat! Between the lyrics and the vibe of the track it changes the way that you walk, talk, and your posture. It's the empowerment I began to rehearse that "she's right, I AM a grown woman!" In that same vein, when you are watching shows, listening to music, and talking about nothing but sex, what exactly do you THINK is going to happen. What's in you will eventually come out.
3) Realize that sex can complicate things in even the best situation. Sex will not fix a broken relationship. As a single person, you hold the strongest hand EVER! You aren't married, so as the relationship progresses and you begin to see issues that you can't deal with you know to make the decision to leave or just be friends. HOWEVER, when you throw sex into the mix, you might have a second thought based on the attachment that has been made. The decision isn't impossible to make, but it is harder. Why put yourself in that position?
4) FOR PARENTS/ADULTS: STOP PUTTING AN EMPHASIS ON THE MESSAGE OF SAVING YOURSELF ONTO GIRLS ALONE! Since it takes two to have sex, two need to be addressed with not only the message of purity, but the talk of consequences and responsibilities of making the adult decision to consummate a relationship outside of marriage.
And finally:
5) Let's get real with each other. Stop walking around like sex is a death topic; if you talk about it, you turn into a pillar of salt! There are people trying to make it to Jesus, struggling with something like sex. And here you are, appearing to be too holy to have a conversation that might address the issue. But addressing it may help the person understand that they aren't alone in the struggle, while also giving them an outlet to be honest!!! GET REAL! It's 2014 and there are too many consequences to covering up a topic sex. It is beyond necessary that we talk about it. People are creating unhealthy attachments and contracting fatal diseases while we are sitting in our Sunday white, pretending like this issue doesn't need to be addressed.
The time has come for more open and honest conversation about the process of being single and working towards waiting for sex until marriage (whether you are a virgin or you are abstaining). Let me know your thoughts. If you've abstained completely, or decided that after having sex that you now want to abstain, how are you doing it? What are your views on being Christian, single, and sex?
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